Zoology
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: For his Graduate Dissertation, a student at the ancient Chengdu University submits a study on Red Hare and the people whose lives were shaped by him. Is Red Hare worthy of the title "Horse Among Horses?" Zhuge Liang, the one stuck with grading that paper, is not amused.


Zoology

 **Chengdu University, Liu Zhi Xiong, Graduate Thesis:**

The Horse that Shaped the World

 **Master 1: Dong Zhuo** :

 _Document found in the Baron's estate, Chang'an:_

"With this steed, any man would be eager to serve me. Red Hare is a fine horse, a mighty animal. I'd try to ride him myself but the horse always refuses and threw me off twice. It's quite powerful, especially when one considers my almighty girth. My chokeholds can crush a man's neck so long as I hug them tightly, yet that horse tosses me off like I'm some itchy saddle. He's amazing!"

 **Analysis** : It is clear from this passage that the tyrant Dong Zhuo found Red Hare to be an impressive specimen, but there's no evidence to suggest that it deserves the title "First Among Horses." There were many strong horses of the age, including Lord Cao Cao's "Grey Lightning." Red Hare might have been strong enough to throw the massive Dong Zhuo off its back, but perhaps there were others? Surely Dong Zhuo wasn't THAT massive: he managed to ride other horses from time to time and not kill them with his weight.

 **Master 2: Lu Bu** :

 _Letter often kept in General Zhang Liao's quarters. Confiscated by Master Guan Yu and kept in the Shu Imperial Archive_

"Hmph, you worry too much, Wenyuan. I am the greatest general in this land, and this horse has proven to be the greatest horse. The children of Puyang have a saying: 'Among men, Lu Bu, among horses, Red Hare.' If the strongest man rides the strongest horse, no one can catch him. Enemy cavalry will be trampled to death or smacked aside, and the world will tremble in my presence. With Red Hare I can descend upon an enemy grunt and decapitate him in 3 seconds. I counted... Can anyone beat that record? What you should be doing is watching over Diao Chan or helping me flank my target. With Red Hare I can outrun and trample any enemy: No One Can Compare!"

 **Analysis:** In spite of his various flaws, the very presence of Red Hare gave Lu Bu a severe confidence boost. Lu Bu was already a great fighter, but with Red Hare he gained the speed and strength of the horse's hooves. Yet without Red Hare he was already known as one of the best fighters in Dong Zhuo's employ, did the horse really change all of that? There's not enough evidence. I can't say I'm convinced.

 **Master 3: Guan Yu**

 _Living Will: Addressed to Guan Ping, Guan Xing, Guan Suo, and Guan Yinping_

"Upon my death, my children shall consider their duties to the Empire. The one who will prove to be the highest ranking military officer shall have full access to my great steed. Red Hare has saved me time and time again, and I doubt it will let itself be captured by any foe. It's far too fast for that. But even if my strongest child shall gain ownership of Red Hare he must allow his siblings to ride Red Hare as well, for that horse has saved my life before and will most certainly save any offspring of mine. Red Hare is an amazing horse, and I suppose I can call it a valuable friend. But every horse needs his master, and Red Hare's ideal master would be of the Guan clan. I'm sure Guan Ping or Xing will be up for the task. Suo is too sickly and Yinping, well, she should be ladylike. My ghost will kill the tiger or stag that ends up stealing her precious flower!"

 **Analysis:** It is clear that Guan Yu, Red Hare's most notable master, thought highly of his horse. It is also clear that the horse has lived for a long time, so long that his previous and most notable master ended up writing about that horse in his will. From this document we can see that Red Hare proved invaluable, and perhaps it does deserve praise and recognition. But "best among horses?" Please, Master Guan, though talented, ended up passing away in spite of his ownership of Red Hare. Shouldn't a good horse, like Liu Bei's Di Lu, be capable of saving his master?

 **Master 4: Guan Yinping**

 _Interview that I managed to score when Guan Xing and Guan Suo were on campaign:_

"Um, yes, so Red Hare hasn't been eating properly lately. I'm not sure whether it's the wrong feed or if I'm too forceful with him. Xing tends to scold me with that. But he's a good horse! He's obedient, and doesn't pick a fight with other horses in spite of his age and experience. I've also noticed that other horses seem afraid enough not to bother him. After all, I've seen stallions fight over mares but no one dares to challenge Red Hare. Yet if Red Hare doesn't eat he's going to suffer really soon. There are a lot of white hairs in his mane already, and I can see that his snout seems thinner than it should be. I could just be seeing things: I worry about that horse along with worrying about my brothers, but like my brothers Red Hare seems to pull through. That horse has served our family well, and I hope he continues to trot proudly alongside them for a long time yet."

 **Analysis:** Red Hare must be getting old. Lady Guan comments that he is not eating properly and seems to have white hairs in his mane. Yet after years of training under various masters the horse appears obedient and relatively gentle. But that could also be the result of age. After many years, the horse seems to still be a valuable commodity, but is it past its prime? Can it truly be called the horse among horses? After viewing the evidence, I don't think so.

* * *

 **Professor's Comments:** And this is why I shouldn't have humored Qiao Zhou. Why did I take this job? This kid obviously has little to no respect for Red Hare, and he parrots some comments by people to demonstrate his infantile point that Red Hare is not so grand and doesn't deserve that much respect. The kid may not be stupid enough to overlook that Red Hare is quite old, but does he realize just how old that horse is? That horse has outlived many men! I don't know a lot of horses who live past 30. If this kid expects to become a full-fledged scholar with this even an incompetent like Zhang Song would have laughed in his face. I can't in good conscience give him anything more than 60 points. Out of one hundred. I recommend that you throw this in the trash, or set it on fire, kid. That's all that this report is good for!

* * *

AN: Yay for Memorial Day weekend. My students need no education on a holiday apparently, so time for more shlock.


End file.
